


The 5 Times Alec Visits Clary After Her Memory Loss

by alunawrites



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Clary Fray deserved better, Gen, Memory Loss, Post-Season/Series 03, Underrated friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24583726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alunawrites/pseuds/alunawrites
Summary: 5 times Alec visits Clary after she loses her memory.Post season 3.
Relationships: Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood
Comments: 7
Kudos: 81





	1. Late Night Visit

A man’s voice droned on, oblivious that his audience was no longer listening as he outlined strategies and ideas. Alec’s mind was too active to listen. His best friend, his brother, was upstairs suffering the loss of his love. His sister, his only sister, was training herself to death in an attempt to silence her own mind. And Clary, she was out there with no memory.

Yet, here he was, sitting and listening to some middle-aged man drone on and on as endless possible scenarios raged around in his head.

It didn’t sit right with Alec.

It’s no secret that his and Clary’s friendship had begun as rocky at best but that’s not what it was now. After everything they’ve been through, he cares deeply for the red-head. So didn’t he have a responsibility to make sure she was safe?

But they’d all decided earlier. Jace, Izzy, Magnus, Simon, all of them. No one would contact her and no one wouldn’t see her. _It’ll be better this way,_ Alec recalls Magnus saying to the group. _She’ll be happier this way._

_But what if she’s alone? Scared? Where will she sleep tonight? What if she’s been attacked?_

God, Alec wouldn’t be able to live with himself knowing he’d sat by while she was suffering. He has to make sure. For her and perhaps, a little bit, for himself.

“I’ve - uh, got to go.” The raven-haired leader stammered, bolting out of his seat and swiftly into the hallway. He could vaguely hear the man call his name lazily before continuing his lecture. With each step, a different scenario popped into his head.

_I have to see her. I have to make sure she’s okay._

The noise of the Institute faded until all he could hear was the beat of his own heart. His eyes focused solely on the large doors leading to his destination.

“Alec, wait. Alec!” Magnus stepped in front of him, his hands outstretched and placed on the taller boys chest. Alec was momentarily stunned out of his trance. Their eyes met and Magnus frowned, “And where exactly do you think you’re going?”

Magnus knew that it would be hard for Alec; seeing his family hurt and not being able to help as well as knowing Clary’s out there without them.

Alec’s mind searched for an excuse. Anything so that he could just leave. “I’m, um, going to see Simon. Vampire business and all.” He cringed at the excuse his mouth blurted out. _Simon, really?_

Magnus simply raised his brows. _Did Alec really think he could lie to him?_

Sighing in defeat, Alec responded. “Fine, fine, you got me. I just need to see. Her, I mean. Clary.” Magnus took a moment to think, his brows pinched together in empathy, then sighed. “Alec-“

“Please, Magnus,” He interrupted. Alec was desperate. “ _Please_ ,” the broken-down voice of his love repeated. “I just want to - need to - see if she-she’s alright.” Alec stuttered out, his eyes searching the warlock’s face and his foot tapping insistently on the hard floor.

Closing his eyes, Magnus gave a simple and swift nod. _I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the -_

  
A simple nod from Magnus was all he needed, and Alec was out the door and on his way before anyone else could notice. Alec quickly noted to thank Magnus later on.

Once a safe distance away from the Institute, Alec had a moment to think. _Where to begin?_

Activating his tracking rune, Alec set off on foot. He didn’t know where he was going, or what he was going to find in the end. He only hoped that he would find Clary safe.

After about half an hour of tracking, and admittedly some Instagram stalking, Alec found himself in front of a small coffee shop in Brooklyn. It was quaint with large bookcases surrounding the space with various painting hung upon the brick walls and and odd knick-knacks scattered about the place. It wasn’t too busy, just a few people sitting about; some studying, some reading, and some scrolling through their phones while sipping from a mug. Exactly the type of place you could expect to find an artistic, free-spirited person like Clary on a Saturday. 

Alec felt as though a huge weight lifted off his shoulders at the sight of the young woman. She was **safe**. Bystanders passed by him unaware of his very presence as Alec stood at the window to the shop looking in.

Clary was seated at a small, wooden table surrounded by books and pencils with a cup of tea at her side. She was drawing something but Alec was too far away to tell exactly what. Her brows were furrowed in concentration and she bit her lip as she hunched over and Drew. She looked happy enough, though.

 _I suppose it's easy to be happy when you don't remember the bad things_ , Alec thought.

The Shadow-world is a tough and relentless place, brining along traumas and despair to all those it reaches. Out of all of them, Clary was the one hurt the most. This life tore apart her family and any sense of security she had before turning 18 and being thrust into the world of monsters. She’s seen death and sorrow, and has weeped and mourned. 

Though Alec knows Clary loved being a Shadowhunter, he also knows that it brought about a lot of pain for her. Pain that she’s now free of.

Alec stood there a while longer looking at Clary. He supposed it was a bit creepy, but then again these weren’t normal circumstances. After all, his friend who’d he’d spent years protecting and learning to care and appreciate, _forgot_. She just forgot and would likely never remember. And though Alec hasn’t said it to anybody yet, that hurt. It hurt that she was just gone. 

Alec has been no stranger to death and loss. As a Shadowhunter, it’s something seen and experienced painfully often. But Clary wasn’t dead, she was just gone; Alec thought that hurt _much_ more than death.


	2. New Apartment

After overhearing an informative conversation between Izzy and Simon, Alec found himself in front of an apartment complex in Brooklyn.

It looked harmless enough, but if his intensive training had taught him anything over the years, it's that even the most harmless appearing things can be the deadliest.

 _It's just a little look to make sure. That's it. No harm done._ Alec reassured himself.

It's what's friends typically do when they move into a new apartment. Then again, it's often friends who actually can remember one another. But that's just a small, insignificant detail.

In short, Alec simply wanted to make sure Clary’s new apparent complex was safe. No creepy neighbours, drugs, that sort of unpleasant thing. It's just a courtesy to make sure the red-head doesn't end up hurt or surrounded by perverts.

 _Yep_ , Alec thought. _Just one friend looking after another, slightly unknowing, friend._

Biting his lip, Alec activated his invisibility rune. The last thing he needed was strangers asking questions about him snooping around the place. 

With purpose, he trudged into the building and after concluding which apartment was actually Clary’s, he began his inspection. One by one, he checked off things from the mental checklist he’d developed on the way over.

No one loitering? _Yep_.  
No neighbours screaming for help? _Check_  
Alec sniffed the air. _No weed. That's good._

With the hallways clear, he then moved on to her apartment. The door was, with Shadowhunter perks, easy enough to open. There were a few boxes lying around and a couch covered with a white sheet, but otherwise, Clary wasn't there.

First things first, Alec strode over to the windows and checked each lock multiple times. He apartment resided on the 3rd floor but hey? You can never be too careful.

Alec then continued and moved on the wooden door he’d previously come through. Eventually, deciding the lock was in good condition and as long as Clary locked it, no unwanted visitors would come through.

As quickly as he came, Alec left again content that Clary was moving into a _safe_ environment.

Technically, Alec should've let her be. Live her life without their interference. But it was just a small check to make sure she wouldn't be moving into a place that would wind up with her dead in an alley. It set his mind at ease, at least, that Clary is safe and building a good life for herself.

_Just because she doesn't know me anymore, doesn't mean I won't protect her._

With one final nod a the red brick building, Alec turned away and walked back home. Though, on his retreat, he did spy a flash of familiar raven hair entering the same complex he’d just exited.

With a sigh, he turned away with no doubts Clary’s apartment will be visited by other guests sometime soon.


	3. First Day of School

”Alec!” a feminine voice whisper yelled. Turning around, sure enough, Alex saw his younger sister marching towards himself with an expression of intense anger.

”Izzy-”

”Don’t you dare!” Isabelle hissed, her manicured finger pointed sharply at him. ”We all vowed not to do this, and then I find out you're here at her school...” Izzy’s angered eyes flickered towards the door and peered inside. Alec could observe her eyes soften as she caught sight of her best friend.

”It’s her first day,” Alec began, his hand resting on his sister’s shoulder as she remained transfixed on the scene before her. “The Brooklyn Academy of the Arts.” Izzy mused, “it’s what’s she’s always wanted.” Squeezing her shoulder, Alec simply nodded in agreement.

The two siblings stood side by side for a few minutes simply looking through the window in the classroom door. Clary was hunched over at her desk, eyes flickering from her laptop to the lecturer. Her fingers were constantly typing down notes and she occasionally reached up to brush a piece of hair away from her face.

“Do you ever think about what she could’ve had?” Alec asked. It’s been a thought plaguing his mind for days now. “What would’ve her life been like if she never got into any of this?”

“I don’t know, but she probably would’ve graduated by now,” Izzy responded with a faint nostalgic smile. Alec gave a small chuckle at her comment. 

“But she also wouldn’t have met us: me, you or Jace.”

 _It’s true_ , Alec thought. _There’s no doubt that Clary loves loved Jace and Izzy, even him to some extent. But the Shadow world has taken so much from Clary and caused her constant pain. Her mother, her father, her brother, the wounds, the trauma. If she’d known what would’ve happened and how it would end, would she choose the same path? Perhaps, it would’ve been better for her if none of them had met that night at the club. Perhaps it would’ve been better if she’d never been involved in any of this._

“I don’t think she would’ve regretted a thing,” Izzy spoke, breaking Alec away from his complicated train of thought. “Do you think?,” he responded, brows furrowing.

“She _loved_ it,” Izzy began. “She loved it all despite everything: Helping people, fighting for what’s right, knowing us. Sure, there were moments but she _loved_ it.”

 _She right_ , Alec thought. Though there were hardships, there was also happiness. She found love, made friends and overall grew as a person. She showed more resilience in those few years than Alec’s seen in many people in years. She bounced back from whatever life threw at her and never once stopped fighting for what she thought was right.

“You’re right,” Alec confirmed. “She wouldn’t have traded it for anything.” Sniffling, Izzy reached up and wiped a tear from her face. “Alright,” she turned around to face her older brother with a teary smile. “I think it’s time for us to go.”

Alec wrapped his arm around Izzy’s shoulders. 

“Burgers?” Alec asked.

“Burgers,” Izzy confirmed.

The two siblings walked away from the classroom and ultimately away from their dear friend. They felt unburdened. Since childhood, the unique pair had shared many things between them and like now, they shared their personal grievances. 


	4. Clary’s Birthday

Alec couldn't sleep. After laying there for hours, he just couldn't sleep. He’d had this problem before, of course. Ever since adolescence, he’s had troubles sleeping after a particularly long and hard day. Today was definitely that. After nonstop meetings, missing lunch with Magnus and having a headache all day, Alec was feeling a little worse for wear. He looked forward to sleeping the day off, but apparently, he couldn’t even do that. His mind just didn’t seem to want to shut down and let him rest despite how much he desperately wanted to.

On top of his otherwise disastrous day, it’s also Clary’s birthday, which left pretty much everyone in a sour mood. Especially Izzy, Jace, Simon, Magnus, and even him to some extent. Alec did certainly not have time for that though; after all, he’s a busy man with far too much on his plate to worry about. Still, he spent the day with it in the back of his mind. Alec was worried about his family. It’s Clary’s first birthday away from the Institute after, well, _everything_. It was hard for her not to be around today. It was hard without her pretending to be surprised at her surprise birthday party after Izzy accidentally spilled the secret. It was hard to go through the day without her there by their side. So yeah, today was a bad, horrible, awful, no good day.

Grunting, Alec sat himself up in bed. There was no way he would fall asleep anytime soon, anyways. Magnus, slumbering next to him, didn’t stir a bit at the movement. How he sleeps so deeply, Alec has never once understood.

Cracking his neck, Alec stood from the bed and decided to get dressed again. If not sleeping, there's no point for him to be in bed at all. A little midnight stroll seemed like a good option, so Alec, as quietly as possible, excited their shared apartment.

The street was relatively quiet. Of course, there few a few people here and there. A few girls across the street, obviously drunk, were staggering and giggling together like schoolgirls. A security guard was leaning against the wall of a business. He was fiddling with a keychain and picking at his nails - clearly bored.

 _Hmh, you and me both_.

Alec set a walking pace and simply went. He walked and walked and walked. With each step, Alec worked through the hardships of the day. By the time he felt as though his mind was unburdened, Alec found himself in the midst of busy Brooklyn. People were milling around everywhere, most lined up in front of bars and nightclubs. Alec could hear some pop song coming from one club, a blues record from another. People were chatting loudly and bubbly laughter echoed through the street.

 _Why on earth am I here_? Alec caught himself thinking. It was the middle of the night; he should be in bed right now next to his husband, not standing aimlessly in the middle of party town. Just as Alec began to turn around to trek back to his home, husband, and bed, a flash of colour in his peripheral stopped him in his tracks.

As fast as lightning, his head snapped around in an attempt to find what just caught his eye. Standing in the midst of a sea of brunettes and blondes, a red-haired girl stood out in contrast.

Alec felt as though a bucket of icy water had been dunked over his head, leaving him shocked and shivering. It was Clary. Clary was standing in line for one of the many nightclubs on the streets. Two girls were at her side and the three conversed excitedly.

Alec, still staring dumbfounded at his lost friend, was feeling a wide range of emotions. _How on Earth on the day I’m missing her the most, I stumble right into her? Perhaps, it’s just dumb luck. Yep, that’s right, dumb luck. Dumb luck that of the infinite places I could’ve walked tonight, and all the clubs she could’ve been at, we both met in the middle._

Before even realising it, Alec found himself walking towards the club. _It's her Birthday; If there's ever a moment to visit her, it's now._ He reasoned to himself as he reached for his Stele and activated a rune. Alec followed close behind as Clary and her friends entered the club excitedly. One advantage of being a Shadowhunter is being able to skip long lines without any problem whatsoever; A perk that occasionally comes in handy.

The club was pretty basic: colourful lights, people dancing together closely, drinks of various colours being sloshed around. Nothing particularly interesting about the place.

Alec briskly walked up the stairs to the upper level, dodging stumbling women and flying alcohol. From this new vantage point, he could see the entirety of the club and its patrons; including Clary.

She was on the dance floor with her friends, dancing to some 2000’s song Alec vaguely remembers. She was dancing happily, mouthing the lyrics and flipping her hair around. She looked happy - _really_ happy.

Sighing, Alec retreated back down the stairs and dodged people until he reached the bar. The middle-aged bartender quickly walked over to him, “What can I get you?”

“French 75,” Alec responded, his eyes briefly flickering to the man from Clary. Nodding, the man took the money for Alec’s outstretched hand and walked away to make the beverage.

She would hopefully like the drink, she certainly seemed to at one of Magnus’s various parties they’d attended. Like clockwork, Clary walked up to the bar just as the bartender finished making the drink. “For her,” Alec pointed, the bartender nodding and complying. Before the bartender could point him out to Clary as the drink buyer, Alec slunk away into the buzzing crowd.

Alec watched as Clary took a sceptical sip of the drink and smiled pleasantly. Content, she took a few more sips and returned to the dance floor.

“Happy Birthday, Clary,” Alec whispered with a ghost of a smile on his lips.He turned around and walked away, leaving her behind to celebrate her birthday. The rush of fresh, cool air hit his face as he left the stuffy club. Taking a deep breath, Alec took one last glance at the club and continued to walk away.

_I have a husband, a home, a family, everything I’ve ever wanted. I love Clary like a second sister, but she has her own life. She has her own friends and family. I may not be apart of her life anymore, but she’ll always be apart of mine regardless. And I know that I’ll always care for her, no matter what divides us._


	5. One Last Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this...

It was a sunny day. Birds sang and a light breeze travelled through the empty space.

Alone, Alec stood still - still and silent like the headstones he was surrounded by. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets and his hair was sticking up in all directions from the countless time he’d run his hands through it in stress. He’d been standing there for quite some time; unable to bring himself to move.

Alec didn't know how to feel. He was just... **numb**. As Institute leader, it was him who got the message of Clary’s passing first.

Alec could recall that the phone call was brief. Frankly, after the dreaded words were uttered, he didn't listen to anything else the caller had to say. His ears rang and he’d almost dropped the phone completely.

After hanging up, Alec had sunk down into his office hair, his phone placed on the table in front of him and his face as white as snow.

He stayed in that room for half an hour. The first fifteen minutes spent trying to figure out if he’d heard correctly, or maybe it was a prank? A mistake?

  
 _It wasn't_.

In a state of grief and anger, Alec punched the wall. The pain felt nice, for a little while anyway. It was a distraction from what he knew he’d have to do.

The last fifteen minutes were spent coming up with ways to tell Jace, and Izzy, and Magnus, and Simon, and everyone else who cared for the red-headed girl.

It was agony - trying to find a way to tell his family the worst news possible.

Trying to find a way to tell and comfort them while he was grieving himself.

They all took the news badly, but what else could be expected? Jace tried to fight it, saying that Alec was wrong and that she was fine when he saw her just the day before. Izzy took one look into Alec’s eyes and could tell all she needed to, immediately dropping to the floor with earth-shattering sobs. Magnus threw the bottle in wine he’d been holding, it's shattering mirroring that of his own heart. Simon denied it, immediately rushing to Clary’s apartment to see her.

Alec tried to comfort everyone; Hugging Izzy as he braided her hair, Sparring with Jace when the boy needed to release his anger, cuddling with Mangus whilst the man was in a state of disbelief. 

Yet, Alec didn't cry. At first, he thought there was something wrong with him. _Why aren't I crying? She was my friend,_ He’d often ask himself.

The funeral came and went, none of them being able to attend due to Clary’s friends not knowing them. They figured it would be better that way - fewer questions about how they’d all known Clary.

The small group all still watched though; Alec, Izzy and Jace all using their Invisibility runes and Mangus cloaking Simon and himself. They made it work.

Though being disgusted with himself, Alec still didn't cry.

A few days after the service, Alec found himself back at the cemetery, this time in front of the marble headstone instead of in the background.

**Clarissa ’Clary’ Adele Fairchild**   
**1991-2018**   
**Beloved daughter, friend, & artist.**

_She was supposed to be safe. The only comfort when she was leaving the Shadow-world was that she'd be safe._

_How could I let this happen?_

_I should've been there to protect her._

_We didn't get to say goodbye._

Caught up in his emotions, Alec was startled when a hand rest upon his left shoulder. It was Mangus, a small frown adorning his face, ”Seems like we had the same idea.” Alec nodded as Magnus moved to stand shoulder to shoulder with him.

”What’s wrong, honey?” Magnus’s soft voice questioned. He was concerned with how his husband was coping. Magnus knew that Alec wasn't the best at expressing his emotions, often bottling them up inside until they eventually ate away at him.

A gruff reply followed, ”Nothing.”

”Alec-” Mangus tried yet again. His worry was gnawing at him. Magnus loved Alec with every fibre of his being, he wouldn't let him self-destruct.

”Fine!” Alec burst. ”You want to know what’s wrong? _Everything_. Everything about this is wrong!”

Alec was angry. He hadn't realised it until now, but he was.

”Our friend - screw it - our **family** died. She died and we couldn't even attend her actual service. She died. She just died. Come on, the world owes her! She's saved it so many times and it just let her die. _How is that fair_?” It was as though he’d burst; every bottled up emotion suddenly crashing out of him like a tidal wave of destruction. Magnus, ever so patient, stood and listened.

” _We_ owed her more than that,” Alec's voice cracked. He was crying. He hadn't realised it before, but he was. Tears dripped down his cheeks like the rainy day's Clary was greatly fond of.

_I never got to thank her for everything she's done for me. I never got to say goodbye. I never told her that I love her. I never told her that's she’s a second sister to me. **I wasn't there** when she needed it the most._

Alec cries grew harder and harder with each thought racing around his conflicted head. He was vaguely aware of Mangus’s hand slipping into his and the soft words he was muttering to him. All he could think about was _her_.

After a while of simply crying together, Alec composed himself; wiping away his tears and running a hand through his hair.

”Clary _saved_ that kid, Alec. She couldn't just stand by and watch as he died; that's not who she is.” Magnus started, his eyes trained on the headstone and hand grasping Alex’s like a lifeline.

”I know. She could never just sit by whilst something like that happened.” Alec responded, faintly smiling as he remembered the woman. ”I just wish we could've helped her.”

”Alec, it's life. People die sometimes for no reason other than it's just what happens. Nothing could've saved her. **No one could've.”**

Sighing, Alec yet again, used his free hand to wipe away the lingering tears from his cheeks.

With a kiss on the cheek, Mangus left Alec alone, knowing the man needed time alone to think.

Alec sat down on the lush ground, his fingers fiddling with the grass and his eyes rereading the headline inscription.

”I just want to say thank you for everything. You changed my life for the better and helped me realise who I truly am. I want you to know that I love you, and I wish we had more time together.”

Groaning in annoyance, he continued. ”God, I feel stupid! I don't know much about the afterlife; specifically, if you can even hear me. Just know that I hope we’ll see each other again. In some life, someday, wherever that may be, _I hope we reunite one day.”_

Standing up, Alec looked to the clear sky. ” **Until then** ,” he whispered smiling. Walking away, Alec felt lighter. He was no longer withholding his feelings; he voiced his anger, his worry, his love. He said what he needed to, for now.

Though he may not be completely alright, at least he was closer to it than he was before.


End file.
